I don’t force lifestyle choices onto others, but sometimes I wish I could just get a word in people’s ears about things that might just help them.
I’ve made many mistakes so far, my own girlfriend being a victim of my behaviour. I think this blog is something I’d like to have read or known earlier. I’m sure my dad would too, he has told me himself that he regrets his impatience with us when we were kids.
Through my trials and mistakes, arguments and pain both dealt and received, these are some lessons I’m still practicing.
Love
Love is different for many people, but the one thing that I like to give anyone I am with is that they can confide in me. Friends with relationship struggles, my brother’s anxieties with existence and the state of the world, my girlfriend and overthinking her beauty that only she is blind to. If someone needs a hug, my arms are open, or if there’s worry, a simple “I get you” is all that’s often needed.
I can happily say I love everyone who I have a family bond or friendship with. They deserve to know that as much. I’m lucky that my friends are similar, and that platonic relationships are healthy in my spheres.
Patience
Empathy is hard for a lot of people. How does it work?
Listening.
One thing I’ve learned since the start of my relationship is that not everything requires a solution. Just consoling and understanding. I used to simply spew solutions to problems my girlfriend had like the self help section in a manual. It was something the internet could have told her. Friends hurting her, or fallouts with family. These things happen. Whilst things change and this doesn’t apply to everyone, take a moment to understand what they’re searching for when they talk to you. Is it something printed on a sheet of paper? Or is it warmth and a place to stay for a while as they process?
Forgiveness
I know that I get frustrated when things feel wrong, but everyone is human. I’ve had to rewrite entire code files because it was easier. The original person was learning and was trying their best. Left stranded in the rain waiting for a lift to work, only to find they were already there – miscommunications happen and they’d have been there if I’d been better at that. Mentions of things that really bring up guilt I hold, it was joking and the comfort offered was immediate.
Forgiveness is often applicable and empathetic, it helps them heal, or not be hurt in the first place, and it helps you heal and realise that they didn’t do it to hurt you. They made a mistake.
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
– Robert J. Hanlon (possibly)
Why say this
I know sharing this may sound preachy, but these values are essential to the future I’d like to build for myself and anyone who cares to listen.
One day, I’ll have kids of my own. I intend to set them up for this world. My parents raised me the best they could, and I’m thankful for that. But there are some things I wish were better. These values weren’t well taught and I was left to assume. I want to teach these values.
I know there are many people out there who are angry, charged by the world, raised in hate but don’t want it anymore. To those people, I hope you find what you need to help you.
Dad, I forgive your impatience. You changed yourself for us. I know that it was something passed down to you. You became a better man for us. Please don’t regret those times. I forgive you. I thank you. I love you.
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